The Void Read online

  “Nice?”

  She nodded. She was so curled up in bed now that you’d swear it was the middle of winter. “Jon, have we really broken up?”

  I stared at her then, trying to figure out what the right answer would be. My first response was to be sarcastic, or maybe even nasty to her, but how could I when she looked like a lost child? More than that, for the first time in years, I truly felt she needed me.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Do you want us to be broken up?”

  “Life would be pretty boring without you.”

  I smiled. “I’m sorry for always being such a dick,” I said. Then I shook my head. “I mean, an idiot.”

  “You can say dick.”

  “You hate it when I talk like that. Or do you think the name suits me?” I teased.

  “It has a certain ring to it. Although, I prefer funny.”

  I sat up, and joined her on the bed, crawling under the cover with her. I could tell why she didn’t want to get out of this blanket fort. I felt safer in here than I did out of it, even though I knew it was a false sense of security.

  “I prefer bunny,” I said and leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Everything is going to be fine.”

  “Do you really believe that?”

  I didn’t answer. I tried to tell her I did, but the words wouldn’t come. Keri knew me too well. She’d know immediately I was lying. The truth was far scarier, and far more sinister than I cared to think about. I shivered involuntarily, and Keri inched even closer to me. I wondered briefly what we might look like on camera right now. Would people find this amusing? Two grown adults hiding out in bed as if it were Fort Knox. Or would they pity us? Worse, what if one day the footage got out into the world, and people got to see us dying? Was that what this show was really about? Some sick and twisted way to watch people wither away and die? Had we signed up for the cruellest reality show in the world without knowing? And if that was the case, would people watch it? Of course they would. As reality shows have proven over and over again, people like drama because it makes them feel better about their own miserable little lives. The question remained though, how much longer did we have in here? Thanks to my greed over the past two weeks, we now only had two more food boxes left, and barely one more cup of coffee to share between us. We still had water to keep us going for at least another week, but it wasn’t going to take us long to run out of sustenance completely. My body already felt as if was shutting down, and I had never seen Keri look so weak. This was it. We were dying. Every minute that went by was another minute taken from our lives. Like reality really, only in here we were a lot more aware of it.

  “Should we have some food?” she asked.

  “Soon,” I said.

  She squeezed my hand under the cover. “Okay.”

  I had already heard the rumbling of her stomach, and I was doing my best to ignore the gnawing sensation in my own. We were starving, but we were both scared of what would happen when we finished that last meal, even though neither of us wanted to admit it. Just having that one meal left made me feel like there was still hope, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out without it. I had a million regrets now. I thought back to everything I had done since being in this pod, and how selfish I had been. I’d devoured the food without once thinking of the consequences. But even during my worst moments in here, I never once thought of the worst thing that could happen. I never thought we would be forgotten, or left here to die.

  Dying wasn’t something I thought about often. I could still recall the time one of my clients told me about how he’d had a near-death experience, and how his life had flashed before his eyes. I told him I didn’t believe him, because it seemed so ‘Hollywood’ to me, but he assured me that at the time of dying—or, at least, thinking he would die—the only thing his mind conjured up were things that mattered to him most. He said in the short few minutes his car was flipping, he thought of his ex-girlfriend despite the fact he was with someone new. He survived, and months later he had broken up with the new girl, and had proposed to the old one. I wasn’t dying now, at least not in the same way someone in a car crash was, but if nobody came for me then I wasn’t sure how much longer I would survive in here. The sudden time limit on my life made me think about things in a way I had never thought about them before. That client had known wholeheartedly his ex-girlfriend was the woman for him. Was Keri the one for me? I wasn’t sure. Yet the moment I thought of being without her, or with her being with someone else, I felt sick. What was wrong with me? I’d treated her like a jerk since being in here. No, I’d treated her like a jerk for a very long time. I’d always prepared myself for the one day she would leave me. I had always thought she was too good for me. It was what her family thought of me anyway, and what many other people have said to me too. Instead of breaking up with her, I assumed she’d one day break up with me. I never really believed Keri and I would be together forever. There was always a better guy waiting around the corner, and the idea that we weren’t going to stay together had always made me push her away. I turned to her now, shocked at how small she suddenly seemed to me. Had I really been telling her she’d put on weight?

  “I don’t deserve you.”

  She turned to me in surprise. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re the better half out of the two of us. Your family pegged that one a long time ago.”

  “My family? They’re just looking out for me. They don’t see what I see. They—

  “They don’t see what you see because you’re too kind to me, and I’ve given them no reason to like me. In fact, I took pleasure in them not liking me. I have no idea why, I—” I couldn’t get the next word out. I wasn’t someone who cried. I was ten years old when I had my last big cry, and I only remembered it because my father walked in while I was mid sob and told me big boys don’t cry. Apparently losing a dog was not reason enough to shed tears. He told me to stop ‘acting like a pussy’. I used that word a lot now, and I only just remembered I’d first heard it from him. Despite promising myself I would never grow up to be like him, it was exactly what had ended up happening. Disappointment washed over me, and even though I knew it was okay to cry, I couldn’t help but feel like less of a man because of it. Old thoughts were hard to shrug off, and I inhaled deeply as I tried to steady my emotions.

  “It’s okay to cry,” Keri said quietly as she hugged me into her. A sticky stench was coming off her, but I didn’t care. I was sure I smelled the same, as did our pillows and sheets. I tried not to think about the pile of wet clothes in the bathroom and how little clothes we now had left to wear. Clothes were the least of our worries.

  “I don’t want to,” I said, but I lay down and turned to face the wall anyway, and allowed the tears to come. I hadn’t expected the force of them to be so strong, and as I cried my body shook uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything I had done wrong in my life, and how much I had become my father. As I lay there, I thought of everything. Of the stupid things I’d said to Keri, the comments I’d made to friends, the disrespectful way I always spoke to my mother and how much she didn’t deserve it. I even thought about poor Ryan and the way I constantly belittled him. I knew the real reason I did it was because I had always been jealous of him. He was such a nice guy and people loved him for that. I also knew he had no idea I thought this way about him. I knew, most of all, that I was crying not for all the things I had done wrong, but because it was too late to change all of it. We should’ve been out by now. I cried for all the things I never got to say.

  “It’s going to be fine,” Keri said in a tone I knew meant she didn’t believe it herself. “I have an idea. I’m going to make us coffee. Then we’re going to figure out how the hell we can get out of this place.”

  She sounded so confident I almost believed her, but as she got up to make the coffee, I heard her sniffle quietly to herself. She was crying, too. Neither us believed we were going to make it out of here alive. I was the one who had convinced her to c
ome on this stupid show. I was the one who had promised her we’d walk out winners. I was the one who had messed everything up. I deserved to die, not Keri.

  Chapter 34

  Keri

  The coffee was finished. I’d scooped up the last of it to make enough for one more cup for the two of us, and even then it wasn’t strong. I wanted to shout at Jon for having had so much while he was here, but what was the point? The coffee wasn’t going to save us. The only way we could get out of here was by someone opening the door. I couldn’t muster the energy to complain to Jon anyway, not when he looked so fragile. I hadn’t seen him like that before. I didn’t like seeing him so weak. He’d always been so sure of himself, and while a lot of that had been cockiness, I would’ve liked some of his confidence to come through now. It wasn’t that I needed a big strong man to come in and save me. I’d never been that sort of woman. I just wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be okay. Seeing Jon cry was something I would never forget. In all the years we’d been together, this was the first time I’d seen him cry. I’d even joked about it with him once, told him he was made of steel. I’d thought he was incapable of feeling anything too deeply, and I’d always wanted to see the more vulnerable side to him. I had even tried to get him to cry a few times – the odd sad movie, a few deep conversations, but he had never shed a tear. I couldn’t help but feel a little bad about doing that now. I wasn’t prepared for how horrible I would feel to see him break down. The coffee had done little to appease me. In fact, it had only made me feel worse, and as I approached the door I had to stop and steady myself. I wasn’t sure when Jon and I had last eaten, because we were both scared about the food coming to an end. The moment we took that last bite was when things would really start to unravel in here. I had no idea what I was doing, or how I was going to get us out of this place, but I had to at least try. I got to the door, which took a surprisingly long time considering it was only a few steps away from the bed, and reached out to touch it. I ran my finger around the edge, trying to see if there was a way to pry it open. I was no longer convinced someone would come for us. We’d hit the buzzer and screamed into the cameras enough times for them to know we were ready to get out. The only reason nobody had come was because there was nobody watching us. Either that, or this show was meant to be sick and twisted. That’s what Jon thought it was at least, and I hoped he wasn’t right. He was convinced they were out there watching us die, or that they would pull us out just before – a little test to see how long we’d last. I shivered as I thought of Larry watching us with his mysterious crew of merry madmen. I had liked Larry when we’d met, but the longer I stayed in here with Jon, the more he convinced me I had been wrong. I had seen him as a sweet but anxious man, but that nervous energy now morphed into something more sinister. Was this the sort of show he had planned for all along? Why had neither of us done our research before coming in here? Why had we taken it for granted that everything was above board? It had all seemed so exciting.

  “Hello!” I screamed. “Hello! Can anybody hear me?”

  I banged on the door over and over again, so hard that my hand hurt. I stopped, turned around, and looked at Jon. We had this pet guinea pig once when I was young. He was a skittish little thing and even though his eyes would widen at the sniff of any potential danger, he never ran away. He always froze on the spot, as if he was hoping he’d turn invisible. Jon reminded me of him now, his eyes like saucers, his body stiff. I had never seen that look on his face before.

  “Jon, we have to get out of here.” I wanted him out of the bed, shouting and screaming with me, but what was the point? The small burst of energy left me exhausted, and I was both emotionally and physically drained. I couldn’t even cry. That would require too much effort. I stood there, staring at Jon while he stared at me from the bed. I had never felt more lost in my life. “Why hasn’t anyone come for us?” I whispered. Jon didn’t reply.

  I needed to pee, but I’d been putting off going into the bathroom for a while. I didn’t want to see the mound of clothing in the shower. If I could go back in time and change anything I’d done since being in here, it would be that. Then again, if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have come here in the first place. I slowly made my way to the bathroom, and tried not to gag at the smell. The clothes were still wet, a layer of slimy shampoo sitting on it, and the smell was an odd one. Part sweet, part musky. It smelt a little like I imagined the men’s bathroom in the gym to smell like, only amplified.

  It was strange being back in the bathroom, and while I felt better after finally going to the toilet, I didn’t feel the same level of comfort I usually felt after crossing the sanity line. For the first time since being in here, I didn’t enjoy the feeling of being alone. I hope the others had gotten out, because nobody should have to go through this alone. I hurried out and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Jon was there and not some figment of my imagination.

  “Jon, we have to get out of here.”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know, but we have to try.”

  “I think we have to face facts, Keri. Nobody is coming for us. They would’ve come by now.”

  I stared down at him, wishing he would snap out of it and become the overbearing authoritarian I had always known him to be. At the gym he could whip anyone into shape, and I had never known him to back down from a challenge. I needed him now more than ever.

  “I’m making us some food. We need the energy. After that, we’re putting our heads together and we’re coming up with a plan. We’re not giving up this easily, Jon. You hear me? We’re not.”

  “It’s our last meal, Ke.”

  “No, it’s our last meal in here,” I said with a determination I didn’t really feel.

  Chapter 35

  Melanie

  When I was a child, I loved anything yellow. I used to dream that one day I’d have a yellow door, and whenever I came across one, which wasn’t often, I’d be convinced that the place might become my home. It couldn’t be any yellow. It had to be so bright it made you stop and look twice. Doors like that were hard to come by, and I had only come across two in my life. I often wondered who was living inside, and I’d lie awake at night and dream of the lives of the families. Surely only happy people had yellow doors? I didn’t go back to check, because the fear I was wrong about them made me resort to my imagination instead. My mind had always conjured up the most incredible tales. I wasn’t sure where the love of yellow came from, but it punctuated my life in distinct ways. There was the bright yellow smiley face plush toy that sat loud and proud on my bed as a child, brighter than everything else and the first thing you saw when you went in. I had to get rid of it eventually because over years of being the prettiest thing in my room, it slowly turned to a dull mustard version of its former glory. I didn’t replace it with another toy, but instead got the more sensible teenage version of a bright yellow scatter cushion. As a child my life was filled with bright objects, and I strongly believed in surrounding myself with things that made me happy. I thought of my own house now, the one outside of this pod. I had always thought it to be my safe place, my little home I was proud to finally call my own, but it was nothing like my childhood room. It was more like this place, I thought as I looked around. Dull and monotone.

  In here everything looked the same. I thought I’d benefit from wearing similar clothes day in and day out, but I now longed for something more interesting. I had packed only tones of black, grey, and white, and everything felt flat. I’d chosen these clothes on purpose, in a bid to keep me as calm and peaceful as possible. Now I felt like I had stepped inside a black-and-white movie, and I wished for a bit of colour in my life again.

  I sat cross-legged on the bed, drinking coffee while I contemplated what was going on. The coffee kept me sane, but it didn’t last, just as the coffee itself wouldn’t last much longer. There were two possibilities why I was still here, and while neither of them was nice, one was worse than the other. The first, and best scena
rio, was that my time was not up, and I’d gotten my timings all wrong in here. Perhaps one day had felt like two and I was now only reaching my full two weeks rather than edging my way to three weeks. This idea didn’t entirely work out, because even if I hadn’t reached the two weeks, someone should’ve opened up when I pressed that buzzer. Maybe, just maybe, that was their plan all along. To make us stay the full two weeks and to prove to us that we had it in us to last the full term.

  But that would be against the rules, wouldn’t it? We could surely sue them for something like that. Or did they think we’d be too proud of ourselves to do anything about it? Maybe there was a bigger cash reward because of it, or maybe we’d signed a form without knowing the full ins and outs. I’d read those forms carefully, but there could’ve been something I had missed. This was all possible, but unlikely. Deep down I was sure they wouldn’t have put us through this torture. Even if we had unknowingly agreed to it, it still seemed unethical. Which led me to the only other option I could think of, and one that made me feel sick to my stomach.

  I closed my eyes and tried desperately to meditate again. I wanted to get out of this place, even if only for a little while, but no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t concentrate enough to make it work. My eyes flew open, and I felt the same thing I had been feeling for the past few days. Pure panic. I had spent the past year trying to ease my anxieties, and I thought I’d actually done it. I had truly believed I had turned my life around, one deep inhalation at a time. I glanced at the makeshift window I had created on the wall and imagined all those anxieties flying out. I missed Todd, despite him not existing. He’d felt real to me in here, and he’d made me feel less alone. I thought I knew what it was to feel alone, I’d felt it many times in the outside world, but there was something different about feeling alone out there, compared to what it was like in here. At least the world had offered me enough distractions for me to pretend I wasn’t lonely. In here, the solitary wrapped around me. It had seemed so comforting at first, but now was choking me. I stood, and splashed water on my face. My hands were trembling, but they only matched the unsteadiness of my legs. A few years ago I had gotten very ill, and every part of my body had ached. This was worse, because this was not going to go away. If I didn’t get out of here soon, my body was going to shut down. The big water cooler was almost empty, but I still had a water source from the taps and the shower, which meant I could survive for some time even once the food was over. I knew that. It was what we had learnt at school all those years ago. The body was capable of a lot more than we thought, but it wasn’t my body I was worried about. It was my mind. I paced the room, just for something to do. I was scared to sit down, for fear I might never be able to get back up. As I paced, all I could think about was the second scenario, the one closest to what I thought was the truth. We weren’t here to be on some reality TV show. We weren’t here to amuse viewers. We were here to die.